US to Unleash New Weapon

US to Unleash New Weapon
Trogdor to "burninate" Iraq

U.S. President George W. Bush announced yesterday that the United States has begun use of an experimental military technology in an effort to step up its war with Iraq. Yesterday, Trogdor the Dragon was unleashed against the Iraqi capital of Baghdad.

"Trogdor will systematically 'burninate' every building in Baghdad until we hvae flushed out Saddam Hussein," announced Bush from the Oval Office. "We feel that the introduction of this new weapon will bring this war to a speedy conclusion, just like the introduction of napalm brought a speedy conclusion to the Vietnam war."

Trogdor constitutes a two-pronged attack against Iraq. He walks around crushing defenceless civilians underfoot, and after crushing ten civilians, Trogdor gains the ability to "burninate" buildings for a period of approximately ten seconds. "Saddam bad man. Trogdor burn stuff good," commented Bush, after having run out of notes prepared by his speechwriters.

Use of the weapon got off to a shaky start when Iraqi soldiers discovered Trogdor's weakness to swords and arrows. "It gets hit by one arrow and then it dies?" complained one U.S. soldier. "Doesn't it have scales or anything?"

The U.S. decision to introduce this new mythological weapon drew widespread criticism from the international community. "We are shocked and appalled at this recent turn of events," stated French President Jacques Chirac. "France will continue to work through the U.N. to rid the world of the threat posed by mythological and chemical warfare."

U.S. Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was quick to respond to criticism. "It is necessary to take these steps, as intelligence indicates Saddam Hussein is currently developing mythological weapons of his own," he replied. "Iraq may have access to a Medusa within months. We must do our part to ensure that the world is not threatened by gorgons of mass destruction.

Eigenvector